Not all Movies are Rated Equal

Going to the movies can be an exciting and rewarding experience. Not all films turn out to be quite worth the price of admission – a fact we usually don’t discover until we’ve already bought a ticket and planted our expectant butts down into a seat. At that point, not even an extra-large bag of delicious popcorn smothered with the finest high-quality artificial golden topping butter substitute will lessen that crushing sense of disappointment.

With that in mind, what if we updated the Movie Ratings System to better reflect this all-too-frequent reality? That way, the cinema-going public could more accurately gauge what to expect going in.

But first, here’s a brief history of the process.

THE AUDIENCE IS LISTENING
In 1930, the United States Motion Picture Production Code became the first governing body for ratings systems. This was revised in 1966, and again in 1968, when the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) became the dominant entity. After much tinkering and efforts at reclassification along the way, the ratings modified again in 1996, to reflect their present-day format.

The ratings used from 1996 to present are:

G: General Audiences
All ages admitted.

PG: Parental Guidance Suggested
Some material may not be suitable for children.

PG-13: Parents Strongly Cautioned
Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13.

R: Restricted
Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian.

NC-17:
No children under 17 admitted

Fair enough, it’s a simple partnership, after all. Hollywood offers up its movies, and in exchange, we fork over our hard-earned money to watch them.  Sounds like a marriage made in Heaven’s Gate, right?  But wait, don’t we – the frustrated consumers – deserve more consumer-friendly movies? Why, of course we do, 007! But what good will that do if they’re camouflaged behind ratings that are misleading, superficial, or just plain inadequate?

And so, in the spirit of quid pro quo-Vadis, here is what the list of Movie Ratings should look like.

THE NEW MOVIE RATINGS

CF: Chick Flick
You must have done something real bad to have agreed to this kind of torture, fella. Unless, of course … she tricked you.

MB: Monumentally Boring
Yawn With The Wind? Feel free to snore out loud.

US: Unbelievably Slow
You can stop tapping your watch … it’s not broken.

WTL: Way Too Long
Just as neck-breaking as waiting for a doctor’s appointment, but at least there you know you may be getting a prescription for some really cool drugs.

DB: Don’t Bother
What were you thinking?

TAG-BYIJIC: Touch And Go – Bring Your IPod Just In Case
Music soothes the savage bomb.

SH-TM: Stay Home – Trust Me
Stay home. Trust me.

CUOYHCI: Catch Up On Your House Cleaning Instead
That basement isn’t going to clean itself.

AMNM: A Measly Ninety Minutes
At 12 bucks a ticket, that works out to … carry the one … almost eight cents per minute!  Unheard of in this economy.

MCINITO: Michael Caine Is Not In This One
Hey, give the old guy a break – he can’t be in every single movie ever made!

CEIITO-UHDSA: Clint Eastwood Is In This One – Unfortunately He Doesn’t Shoot Anybody
Clint is always at his best when he has a score to settle. You feeling lucky, punk?

LOE-NP: Lots Of Explosions – No Plot
No brain cells were harmed during the making of this film.

DBAFD-OTWBASD: Don’t Bring A First Date – Or There Won’t Be A Second Date
Dinner and drinks is the smart option here, pal.

PB: Pretty Bad
Could be worse, you understand … but still pretty bad.

SOA-TTCRQ: Starts Out Alright – Turns To Crap Real Quick
This dud has only one or two decent scenes throughout – usually, they’re the ones you see in the trailer that tricked you into watching it in the first place.

TBTWSDLL: Too Bad The Writer’s Strike Didn’t Last Longer
I know it may sound hard to believe, but somebody actually wrote this mess! What’s even more astounding is that somebody actually paid to have it produced.

EPTYOTCP: Encourage People To Yap On Their Cell Phones
Yes, this turkey is so bad that it has come to this. But don’t be so skeptical – some conversations between strangers can be rather fascinating to the point where they may completely make up for the horrendous rip-off of a movie you’re stuck watching. And remember: if they insist on talking so loud, technically that means you are not snooping.

WDRET?-WHDHUAF-BIDTIAT: What Does Roger Ebert Think? Well, He’s Definitely Holding Up A Finger – But I Don’t Think It’s A Thumb.
Nuff said.

MMGSIACOS: Matthew McConaughey Goes Shirtless In A Couple Of Scenes
Just a little heads-up for all you interested girls out there. Or guys.

WFTDVD: Wait For The DVD
Still risky watching it at home, but at least there you can quickly turn it off and still salvage your night.